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Yesterday’s girl; Today’s woman

It took sweat and tears to become the lady you see
A whole lot of the Lord’s mercy and grace
It took internal and external scars to walk tall
There was a lot of laughter too
A lot of happy memories were made
but lots of , I shouldn’t haves
Regret you call it , Yes
but experiences that taught me the hard way

I can only think of my daughters
I took this bullets for you
bullets I wished I didn’t take
as it cost me part of my innocence
and part of my thoughts
My mind replaying and replaying it
but i wouldn’t sulk over all i’ve been through
although I am saddened each time I think back

If i could cage my thoughts permanently i would
so it doesn’t fly each time
and leave me wishing I could turn back the hands of time
to that minute where it all started
where I let you into my apartment
where i let you peck me on the cheek and hand
where I let you move your fingers
where I let myself move too close

My scars are your lessons
Hurdles to avoid
When he starts talking of how his body feels when he is around you
Telling you of his vulgar experience with ladies
sparing you no details so your mind starts imagining yourself in their place
It’s all part of his plan
to play on your emotions and let your emotions run
panting and pacing towards him

Your innocence is precious
I’d say to the girl of yesterday
not just the part of it but the whole of it
Once you let your guard down your mind is tampered with
and with each encounter you are eager to explore further
Even though the thorns sting ,
You are eager to see the petals
smell the roses of lust

You never forget your first encounter
It may not have lead to the loss of your jewel
but every closeness breaks the glass that shields that jewel
Yesterday’s girl
don’t see your self as strong when it comes with the matters of the heart
so you let anyone come in and dance to his tune
It might be easy for you to brush yourself up
but their foot prints are left on your heart
and finger print in your soul

Today’s woman be on guard
and  keep it that way
bury your head in your fight for your innocence
Wear your armour to shield you from the darts of your lust
raise your standards way higher than your heels
stand for something or you’d fall for anything momma said
make your decisions
think of the consequences before you act
Remember how you feel after
and how your thoughts haunt you
thinking of how God abhors it

Think of your yesterday’s girl
all the lovely memories
and lessons you learnt
The lovely people you met especially your family
The few perfect gentlemen that you came across
and build your today’s woman
I’m the yesterday’s girl but also the today’s woman

I guess you can’t hear

I said it so many times but not in the words you expect
I said it in the moments we shared
In every prayer I prayed for you
To everyone that asked me out
By shielding  my heart away from anyone else

I said it by worrying about you each time you were away
Or I couldn’t reach you
I said it by telling you how much I missed you
How I think of our future
How I trust that everything would be alright
Even though things seem difficult now

I said it by complimenting you in anyway i could
encouraging you for your hard work
I said it by annoying you in little ways
and apologising in cheeky ways
I said it when you pulled your prank

I said it by telling you what my family felt
but at the end of the day their decision would be based on what I feel
I assured you of that
I said it and say it in different ways but I guess it doesn’t mean anything
what you see and what I do seems to be a blur to you
I guess you can’t see

Ungodly hour

It’s not the time that stinks
or the ticking of the clock that shows passion
The minute hand isn’t seductive
No particular hour is in itself ungodly
but what is done in that hour
so please feel free to call me at night time
at the time “popular known” or “popular referred” to as ungodly hour

Feel free to express your feelings towards me
but don’t ver off talking of your strong bodily emotions
or let immorality speak for you
by asking what I’m putting on In a soft deep voice
“A onesie”, I said “I bet you expected me to say something different ”
or you bluntly lying about what you have on
I never asked you did I?
We know your aim is to stare up thoughts
We know what happens when that happens
Now that hour has become ungodly to us

Ring the door bell at noon
You remembered to visit a friend in that hour
that’s really thoughtful
but if you have another woman over
at that same hour the next day
and you indulge in some smooches smooches
then it doesn’t matter if that was at noon
that hour to you is an ungodly hour

The early hours of the morning are the quietest
time to think and just enjoy the solitude
pick up a book
Say a prayer and read your bible
but it can be a snare
if you have wondering thoughts
thoughts of lust and immorality
that once godly hour has now become ungodly

I understand the darkest hour is when the wolves come out
Physically and from our souls
and the brighter hours is when most become angels
acting like nothing ever happened
after we acted a fool after letting ourselves go to a “few drinks”
but the darkness of the hour or the brightness of the hour
Is never the qualifying factor

Don’t discriminate against the hours
All hours are beautiful
very crucial if i must add
but the qualifying factor of the hour
Isn’t 1pm in the afternoon or 1 am in the morning
but the activities that go on within those hours
You are the qualifying factor in each hour
No ungodly hours just humans being ungodly in that hour

Please Cry.

I know you’re trying to be strong
I can feel your pressure rise
as though the oceans are trapped within
It’s waves tugging at your heart and mind
As you remember the times you shared with your loved one
The memories seem to propel confusion
False sense of strength
I know we have never seen you break down
or be vulnerable before us
But we know when you are hurting
You become oblivious
and denial starts to set in

I have been where you are at
I have lost a friend and a colleague
If those relationships seem too distance for you
For me to make you realise that I’ve been in your shoes
I have lost a family member
Every loss is hard
Whether blood or not
The strength of the relationship is what makes it even harder

If your loss is a heart break
Someone not seeing your worth
No matter how hard you tried to show them
Or may be you are just homesick or miss someone so badly
I’ve been there too
but I wouldn’t say I know exactly how the shoes feel
Same shoes but different feet belonging to different people
So No matter when that feeling comes or how it feels
It’s important to express it
Express it in a way you find relief and still have your sanity

Don’t hold back
Scream if you must
No!! you must
So please scream and let the walls hear your pain
Don’t spare our ears
May be that way we’d know how to sympathise with you
Let the oceans flow freely
Ask all the questions in your mind
but don’t beat yourself up
Ugly cry , because those are the tears that speak more
It shows the beauty of the relationship
The one you shared with the one your heartaches for

Don’t commit suicide
Don’t lose trust in God
Don’t be afraid of a hug
or of the sympathies you might get
Don’t be afraid to give your love to someone else
We know you are human
and it hurts
No, we won’t see you as weak
We all know you aren’t weak
You are very strong
strong enough to push out all your pain
Laying it bare through your eyes and before all eyes
Whether those around genuinely sympathise or not

In the shock of the moment
and blank stare into space
Let your pumps open up
Let your eyes see through the streams that flow
as your minds continue to race
and finally slows down its speed
Your heart finding relief
the pressure within steps down
Let your eyes eventually feel cool
As the streams dry out
The same coolness your heart feels

All these are beautiful feelings
but you can only feel joy and comfort
when you let go
Let go of the tears we see you trying to hold back
Please don’t spare your sheets or pillow
They’ve shared your happy thoughts
Good and horrible dreams
I’m sure they’d love to share your pain too
They’ve heard you talk in your sleep and snore away
I’m sure they can handle your screams

Let your mascara run after a heart break
There is nothing pretty about pain
but there is so much beauty in healing
and every process that comes with it
We know you might not let it all out in one go
No one ever does and I doubt if that’s possible
Or it doesn’t just take one session to heal
but please start the first session
and other sessions would get easier
till you find complete relief

You want my honest advice
Or words of wisdom
To strengthen you at this time
While I embrace you and pat your back
then please take this short,
but powerful advice with all the love in my heart
One of the best things I do when in pain
Are you ready for this?
Ok here it is sunshine
please my darling, Cry.

This is Your earth

You knew what You were doing when You walked through the darkness
When you decreed let there be light
to the earth’s last detail nothing came as a surprise
You perfectly planned everything out
but things haven’t been great
I know you see it
For He who formed the eyes does He not see
I know You hear our cry
Our cry for you to delay no longer
He who formed the ears hears

The turn out of things may surprise us
It may leave us mouth open
but I know You knew this would be the turn out of events
You put us in a bit of control  but you are still in charge
That is the best thing ever
No not us being in charge because it’s obvious we need You
Lest we self destruct
The best thing is you are still in control
We see that it isn’t so easy
So easy ? Now I’m downplaying it
Things aren’t easy at all
no matter how hard we try to work alone
or pretend that we got this
We exalt the wisdom You put there
Singing our praises when things go as we plan
Forgetting that You already ordained it to be so before it happens

All things work together for good
the expectations of the righteous shall not be cut off
Though we are in pain
yet we would rejoice
No, not in the absence of troubles
Not in the absence of the confusion that comes with uncertainties
but in all these
We are more than conquerors
We do not appreciate peace when there is calmness
but we appreciate peace in the storm
You are the prince of peace
Teach our minds to seek You
and our hearts not to give up

This is Your earth so let me trust in You
for You are an everlasting rock
It is better to take refuge
To take refuge In Him whose very voice is the thunder
Whose countenance is like the sun
The Sun of the sun
Under Your shadow I would abide
Whose breath is the very wind
It is better to take refuge in Him
Whose permanence is the reason for my existence
Who is not here today gone tomorrow like man
Beautiful flower we are, as green as that grass
but we would be blown away
After much noise and life struggles
Silence is the reward and history we become
So trust Him who is History , the Present and  the Years to come
Ancient of days

This is Your earth
So nothing surprises You
For you do everything according to the counsel of Your will
You place a king and pull down one
His very heart is in Your hands
The high and haughty You bring low
and the humble You uplift
If you let wickedness go on
You have a purpose
For when righteousness is revealed
There is no doubt or difficulty spotting the difference
Even the darkness is not dark to You

Under your everlasting arms I’d rest
Under your pinions I’d take refuge
since you are in control of every detail
then in Your arms is where I want to be
I know though our flesh waste away
Our soul is being nourished in and by You
Do not let me wonder away from your presence
Do not let me trust in your earth and all that is in it
Let me not be lost in its beauty and riches
but forever remember its temporariness
For in a twinkle of an eye it flies away
Let me forever till eternity trust the creator and owner of the earth
In your sovereignty would I rejoice
There is hope for my times are in the Lord’s hands
This is Your earth

Full Mind

I would be leaving soon and I wouldn’t see him till the next holiday
so I’d let him touch me and let our bodies come close
I’d shot out every thought that may want to stop me
but no, there is no thought arising
what’s on my mind
Is what is about to take place
How my body feels and soul yearns for this

I let everything happen
It’s been an escalation of closeness
with those who have shown their interest
and I seem to like
Be careful if you think you stand , less you fall
but here i stand in the midst of my emotions

My strength failing each time
No one has ever come this close
Never again would anyone come this close
If I must abandon you all together with the rest
to honour Him, so be it
You were fast to dive in
You did not feel as bad as I did
I feel you treated me unkindly
Preserve my purity
Lead I said !!

No not that way I’m going
Lead me away
Lead me to truth
Filthiness is a state of mind
and also a state of heart
then a state of the body
Please change my state

Sorry, If my thought is all over the place
that’s where my thoughts have gone
they don’t seat down
It rests for a minute
Then off it goes !!
my mind is packed

 * Originally written months back *

Clothed Compliments

I don’t mean to be picky
or read into your statements so much
but I want you to be plain
no hidden meaning

When you say ,”I look good for my age”
Where lies the emphasis,
on my age or how good I look
I strongly want to believe that it’s on how good I look
but I can’t overlook ” for my age”

Is my age old or young
You seem to know the forecast of looks for people my age
please educate me
soothe my curiosity

You say, “you don’t sound “black ”
Why don’t you say I sound good or bad
However you think “blacks” sound
that sentence makes it feel like “blacks” ,
excuse you, brown people sound a certain way
Which may be good or bad

Oh you aren’t full British
Your english sounds so good for you not to be British
Thank you that’s  a lovely compliment
but I’m trying so hard to see pass the comparative noun

You are pretty for a coloured girl
Are you mixed ?
Surely your dad or mum might be “white”
now that whole sentence is wrong

I can only hope you see the problem
no, i won’t just take the compliment as it is
Don’t compliment me while being bigotry to a group of people
or making a group seem like a standard for another

Please strip the compliments
Let it stand separated from all hidden insults
Give me naked compliments not clothed and suited compliments
If that is so hard, give me nothing at all
I promise no hard feelings