I owed it to myself

I owed it to myself to tell you i loved  you
to punch fear and all it’s doubts away
to give anxiety and worry a haemorrhage in the brain
when it wouldn’t let my mind rest

I owed it to myself to love you fully and completely
because loving you was what I needed to gain my sanity
I felt at home and not at home
at home in your arms but pressing forward toward our final destination

I owed it to myself to open my heart bare before it turned sour
filled with regrets and pain of what wasn’t said
and if care was not taken It wouldn’t be said
so I decided to carelessly surrender to the truth of my heart

I owed it to myself to Love you when you did not deserve it
to be kind to you when you did not want to be towards me
to show you all the love I had for you if that minute came
the minute I thought would be perfect to display and surrender it

I owed it to myself not to let the anticipation for your reaction die
your reaction I thought out in my head
so I held on to it irrespective of the reality of your present actions
I was happy with all my mind imagined and thought

I owe it to you to pay myself all the debt
every penny and every pound of love to you
To prevent hate and resentment from gaining root and growing
Not thinking of what could have been but hoping toward what would be

I owe it to you to make you see my words are important to me
and I meant and mean all that was said ;physically, emotionally and spiritually
from my heart to yours, and my lips to your ears
I hope I pay you and I everything and be debt free at last
but still loving you like I ought to and you ought to be loved